We Date At The Level Of Our Self-Esteem

We date at the level of our self-esteem. Your relationship is a direct reflection of your own self-love and self-worth.

A lot of TDL Seekers have written in saying that they are in a relationship (dating, marriage, etc.) with someone who they really are into, but they are not getting their needs met. They keep asking me how they have to change to keep the relationship going.


Let me be clear – the only way we should have to change is to be more authentically ourselves. This means compromise, of course, but this also means not abandoning ourselves to please another.

The common question seems to be: “How can I change myself so this will work”, and the response is “Don’t change yourself – BE YOURSELF”.

Many Seekers are terrified of being alone and of the unknown. And I understand, it can be hella uncomfortable in there. But if your needs aren’t being met in a relationship, it’s not the other persons fault. The responsibility is on you to communicate your needs and to choose someone who honors you, cherishes you and loves you.

If you don’t love, honor and cherish yourself, you will settle and your needs won’t get met.

To be a Seeker we must get comfortable with the unknown and with letting go of toxic relationships. We must step into the Faith that we can create the life we truly desire, not as we change to please others, but as we step more into our own authentic selves. This means communicating our needs, having higher standards around the people we are dating and stepping into our own self-love and self-care.

Of course in any relationship we have to compromise and find a middle ground. This is part of being in relationship. But this blog is aimed at the thousands of folks who have written in asking how they can change to please other people. Please yourself first and then you will attract someone who is pleased with you.

This means embracing the unknown and being okay with letting go of something or someone that isn’t meeting your needs.

Ask yourself this question: “If I REALLY loved myself, what would I do?”

Let me know: [email protected]

Lots of love and self-love,


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Mastin Kipp is the CEO and Founder of The Daily Love. Take what resonates with you from the blog and leave the rest. Follow Mastin on Twitter here.


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  • Christina L.

    Well said. Everything you put up with in any relationship (that is negative especially ) is a reflection of what you feel about yourself, your level of security and self-esteem. That goes along w/how you carry yourself, the things you do, the way you live your life, it all reflects what you believe about yourself. Great article!

  • Celia

    Wow…this couldn’t have been more true for me at this moment. I’ve just realized that throughout my whole relationship, I have been constantly changing myself to please my boyfriend and losing sight of myself and my own desires that I’m so miserable. I need to realize that I need to love myself and maybe if I would’ve taken more care of myself things might be different. Aaah..so much to think about. Thank you Mastin for your wonderful posts. I recently found out about your website and it’s just about the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m on the road to self-love and even though I’m not fully where I want to be, I feel myself getting closer and closer with each coming day thanks to your insightful words. 🙂
    I can honestly say you are truly a LIFE saver.

  • MAM1

    so well said #thatisall

  • Lynn

    Awesome!! Well Said!!!

  • Holly Owen

    As always – well said =)

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  • monicab

    WOW. You had me at, “We date at the level of our self-esteem.” Trying to find space inside for all this learning I’m doing today. Thanks again!

  • Venice

    I finally figured this out on my own……..and I am so grateful for the ‘me time’. I have learned so much. Go figure. Not long after doing this, I met a great guy who treats me like a queen and we do a lot of laughing and life is easy ! Amen! Thank you, Mastin…..;)

  • heather

    letting go can be hard

  • FaizahB

    Wow! Beautifully written as though you read my mind! And I feel so blessed to have manifested a beautiful relationship. We are clear reflections of each other and started off on uncertain ground with self-esteems needing a bit of work but we were both determined to help ourselves and each other grow and having a wonderful and constantly evolving relationship is a by product of all that 🙂
    I think everyone has their own unique journey but for us the key thing was accepting each other (positives & negatives) without compromising our individual beliefs and philos0phy!
    Thank you Mastin! I totally love your work xxx Love & Gratitude Always…

  • Ellem

    This helped me to understand where I am in terms of a breakup that has held me back from trying again. We both needed to be ourself and we both failed to meet each others needs. Awesome post as I really needed to see it written out.

  • Love what you said. Will be my mantra for the next weeks to come. Thank You.

  • Great post thank you and so true.

  • Wow this is well said awesome work!

  • Chelsea Martinez

    Really, a wonderful entry. Right on the nail. I attempt to put this in my readers mind, of not changing yourself to make something work. Simply asking yourself works, “Am I really being me, suppose if I were, this would work”. Authenticity is magical and powerful and always always turns out right. Job well done Mr. Kipp.

    Chelsea Martinez


  • Kayra

    “We date at the level of our self-esteem.”

    Darn. I’ve been saying these words for years. I know the concept is a fairly obvious one to grasp, if one is willing, but I thought I was the first to put it into such words. So much so, in fact, that I actually typed the “phrase” into Google to see if anyone else had claimed it. Apparently many have. which is good–it really should be better known. Well done.

    At least I have high esteem for my creative potential. “Ar least.” Clearly. Now as for the rest of me . . .

    Ohemgee. Did he just say “hella”?

    Thanks for the wisdom!


  • Csf

    I only wish I had these words “we date at the level of our self-esteem” 35 years ago! Such powerful words. With that said I am now on the journey of self-love and self-care…that’s a difficult place to get to, not impossible, just challenging. After years of pleasing others, I am now at the point of taking care of me….such a nice place to be, I am finding my happy place. I have a lot of work ahead, but can’t lose site of just enjoying each moment along the journey of daily self love and self-care!
    Who is the originator of those words” we date at the level of our self esteem? Genius, pure genius!