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Weird Relationships And Loving What Is

Screen-Shot-2014-02-28-at-7.54.07-PMFor most of my life I’ve been really good at loving what I wanted things to be like and kind of ignoring what actually was until it hit me in the face and I had to deal with it. This applied to life, love and my business.

Last year I finally started getting really good at loving what is. Not surprisingly, one of my greatest teachers is a relationship.

I’ve been seeing this man for the last several months. He travels a lot, weeks go by in between visits. Days go by without even talking. And it’s totally perfect.

He had a layover from a flight in LA a while back so we got to spend a few hours together. There was a moment, in my treehouse, where I was laying on his chest, my right arm was draped over him and there was my tattoo, resting on his belly – reminding me that only love is real. And that was how I felt in that moment, and that was all that mattered.

I find myself sometimes wanting to judge, me, him, “us”, because by comparison to every relationship I’ve ever known before, ours is kind of weird (and even in all my growth and expansion, I can’t figure out how to stop making comparisons, so I just treat them more lovingly now when I do).

Weird that we’re constantly communicating about boundaries and agreements instead of making assumptions, holding back our feelings and secretly hoping to change each other.

Weird that we’re waiting a while to have sex but still sharing some of the deepest intimacy we’ve ever experienced in partnership.

And weird that for the first time in my life I feel connected to a man, but not attached to any outcomes, and I don’t need anything from him.

…This might be my favorite part, because I get to keep so much powerful energy by not being so plugged into him. I’ve done this a lot in relationships past – given away far too much of my energy and not kept enough for myself or my work. I know a lot of women do this.

I think that’s actually the birthplace of the primary limiting belief I still navigate regularly, that I can’t have a successful business and a successful relationship at the same time.

This goes back to laying in bed and seeing my tattoo rest on his belly. Instead of getting lost in the old kind of thoughts I would have like, “What does this mean? Where is this going? blah blah blah” I got to choose to love what was and soak up the moment of listening to his heart beat, letting him play with my hair, and actually not having to say anything at all.

Quick shout out -I don’t think I would be able to do this if I hadn’t listened to “I Need Your Love, Is It True?” by Byron Katie back in September. “Loving What Is” is another great one of hers (and where I got that phrase). BK knows how to call you on your shit and snap you out of it.

This is the first relationship I’ve ever been in that feels like it’s always happening in real time. No future tripping. In fact most of the time when we see each other, there’s no discussion of the next time we’ll see each other.

And let me be clear when I say “no future tripping” I mean it doesn’t ever last for more than a few seconds. Of course every once in a while I’ll imagine what it would be like if we lived in the same town, or even together, but that isn’t real right now, so I let it go.

Instead of clinging and holding on like I’ve always done in relationships, I am constantly releasing him.

It’s easy with him because he’s not around most of the time – but it makes me wonder how I can do this same thing in the other relationships in my life.

With my family.
With my friends.
With my clients and my community.

How can I love you all exactly as you are, be there for you in the moments we share and let you go when we hang up the phone, close out emails, and log off Facebook, Twitter and Instagram?

Here are some practices I came up with that could probably work for all of us:

1. Stop judging how we feel by first allowing ourselves to feel it instead of pretending we don’t. There is no should or should not when it comes to feeling – it’s all valid.

2. Notice the difference between OUR FEELINGS and the way other people’s reactions to our business make us feel. Meaning, if you feel something that isn’t “normal” or “common” by societal or cultural standards – don’t let the reaction of others make you feel wrong. Again, there is no right or wrong when it comes to feeling.

This begs a subpoint- be choosy about who you share what with. I wrote about that here.

3. Communicate openly and freely, remembering that the true connections in our lives will make it through honesty and openness, in fact they will thrive in this kind of environment. The people who can’t handle our truth should and will find their way out of our circles.

In other words, say the things you are most afraid to say to the people who matter most to you. They will love you anyway and it will strengthen your relationships.

I’ve practiced this with my family a lot over the last year. Crazy how often we’re making assumptions, thinking we’re protecting people’s feelings, and really, we’re so far off the mark it’s actually damaging.

Just speak up and tell the truth.

and lastly…

4. Spend more time enjoying what’s happening RIGHT NOW and less time comparing to the past or worrying about the future.

Engaging with your senses is a great way to do this.

How does your skin feel? What do you smell? Can you feel the energy buzzing in your body? Is there a taste involved? Can you feel the air or some kind of light on your face? Can you listen and really see the people you’re with, can you feel their energy? Our senses are what keep us in the moment.

There’s way more joy available than most of us are letting in on a regular basis when we’re tapped in sensually. (Click to tweet)

Relationships are always a hot topic, I’d love to know in the comments how this post made you feel. Any thoughts? Aha’s? Or something you vehemently disagree with? I want to hear it all.

Love,

Liz

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Liz DiAlto is a speaker, writer and creator of Wild Soul Movement, a sensual practice in self-discovery that combines movement, mantra and meditation. Coming mid-May 2014.

P.S. If your share is super personal, come join us in The Soul Movement Salon - a private and free group where women gather to talk about all things body, mind, and soul in a safe and sacred space.

  • Meg

    Love this blog!
    I used to always be worried about the future when in relationships and where it was all going that I would miss out on the present. I would miss out on the incredible moments that were happening because i was so future focused. I had one of my good friends call me out on my BS when my boyfriend and I broke up. I needed to be called out on how much I overthink, overtalk, and am so future focused that I miss out on the present. I miss out on right now right here.

    The past few months I have focused on the present in all aspects of my life and things have shifted. I am enjoying my friends and day to day interactions more. I see my ex from time to time and instead of freaking out I breathe in the sweetness of our friendship and what we have. Instead of me talking about the relationship/emotional factors he now brings it up. I also started seeing someone whom I have known for awhle and he does the same thing he brings it up before I even think about it. It is so refreshing to live in the present and take the pressure off. Today is wonderful and I bet tomorrow will be pretty great but I choose to focus on right now this moment and this very second. Life is good.

    • Liz DiAlto

      so happy you dug the post and living in the present brings joy and acceptance to your life also, Meg. Thanks for the comment!

  • Shana

    as always, this website is very warm and fuzzy, but not written for real people with real issues. i keep cominq back occasionally, thinkinq you will hire a writer or two who has actually been thru somethinq. never happens. it’s all quite lovely and useless.

    • Liz DiAlto

      Great timing on this comment, Shana. I just wrote a post about “real issues”, too. Perhaps you will find that less useless :)

      http://lizdialto.com/feelings-fears-and-first-world-problems

    • Nina

      Try writing to the Daily Share! That way you can get some advice that caters to your needs. I hope you find what you’re looking for!

  • Mike V.

    Not quite sure what I wanted to write, but you did say to share so I’m doing that.
    Sometimes I’m just totally amazed my the Daily Love and what I’ve been able to tap into spiritually this year. I was just writing in my journal after not making an entry for a few days. I wrote “Learn to Feel the Emotions. Be conscious of the thoughts that are at the front of my mind.” I wrote a few more lines after that, then I decided to come on the Daily Love, to see if I can get some inspiration to go make a blog entry, and then I read your post. It’s as if your thoughts were calling me to read your post before I went on.
    I’m on this Spiritual journey because of a previous relationship. It didn’t feel right to me, so I ended it, I hadn’t completely forgiven myself for that until this year, even though that relationship ended over a year ago. It was a blind side to her, and I’ve always felt regret for hurting her. I’ve stopped feeling as guilty for that, because in the year since I’ve grown spiritually, and I truly believed that I would not have found myself if I had stayed with her. You speak of your current relationships as one that brings peace and calm to your soul. It’s my belief that a relationship should leave both people feeling like their best selves. If there’s an imbalance, someone will be left feeling inadequate.
    Despite not feeling as though it was the right relationship for me, I did learn to release my grip on time. I used to be one of those people obsessed with getting places at a specific time, no excuses. But I learnt from my ex that the real adventure comes when you go with the flow of things, you learn to be present and really experience things. I liked your post because you reminded me to take that a step further. To not just be present in thought, but my emotions too. To allow myself to feel, and to view those feelings as valid.
    Thank you for reminding me to stay plugged in.

    • Liz DiAlto

      Thank you, Mike. I appreciate the thoughtful response and your words actually helped me, too. I have a deadline for something totally unrelated to relationships right now and keep wanting to cling to that date. Have to remember to stay open and trust in divine timing. Glad you enjoyed the post :)

      • Mike V.

        I read a post from another Daily Love contributor a few days ago, you should check out Christine Hassler’s post “What you are doing that you need to stop now.” It reminded me to not hold myself to specific time constrains when it comes to my writing. Of course there may be times when you need to get something done by a certain time. Aside from those, the idea is to not be as self critical of your self, to not let your EGO and negative self-talk keep you down. As for writing I feel that it comes from a place of inspiration, so forcing it seems like a recipe for something that won’t be loving.
        Well I’m glad we can be mutually beneficial to each other. It’s pretty cool how when we’re “plugged-in” how we can share love with each other across vast distances, lol don’t know why that continues to amaze me everyday; but who am I to reject Love’s pull.

  • David Negaard

    Read this pretty much “by accident”…meant to touch a different link, but here I am. One line that leaped off the page and grabbed me by the throat was: “…even in all my growth and expansion, I can’t figure out how to stop making comparisons, so I just treat them more lovingly now when I do.”

    “Romantic” relationships are most compelling for me, probably because I’ve had almost none (yet Oh! How I pine!). And the model you hold up is one that resonates for me. Thanks for the thoughts!

    • Liz DiAlto

      You’re welcome, David!

  • Simone Elizabeth Writer

    Love “The people who can’t handle our truth should and will find their way out of our circles.” That’s my tweetable! :-)
    Great one, Liz! Especially for us women, this is just such a difficult thing: not to give our power away in a romantic relationship. Not to project our dreams and desires ignoring the actual reality of the situation. Trying to fit a square pig into a round hole. This is my growth edge for sure. Just trying to put myself in your shoes as I was reading what it has been like for you, I was (am!) impressed and inspired! Byron Katie, Pema Chodrom, Tara Brach, Cheri Huber and Eckhart Tolle’s books have been some of my best friends. Thanks for sharing your truth in such a beautiful raw way! Muuahh! Simone