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What if haters are teaching you to love yourself even more?

To listen to the audio version of this blog, click here.

Last Sunday Oprah asked me where I see “God”. And I told her I see God everywhere, but these days I’m trying to see “God” in the haters. That is to say, I’m trying to see The Divine in those who do not express pleasant or loving thoughts or actions towards me.

I heard Marianne Williamson say the other day that we are as close to “God” as the person we like the least. That took me by surprise.

But I thought about it. You know, it’s easy to love people who love you. It’s easy to love people who are kind to you. It’s easy to love people who are friendly to you. But can we love those that aren’t?

I’m not saying that we have to “like them”, but can we love them?

I encounter this almost every day at TDL. Inevitably there is going to be someone who disagrees with what I have to say, or doesn’t like something I said, or something I say is in conflict with what they believe. And sometimes they express it to me in a way that is loving and sometimes it’s in an “attack”.

And when I feel that attack, when I feel that trigger, I simply stop and pray, “Please show me how to love this.”

And it’s amazing. Because what I’ve come to notice is that many times when “haters” say something and I react or want to defend myself is because there is an inner hater that also believes them. Or an inner fraud. Or an inner voice of fear or doubt that attaches to what the hater says and then says to me “See, I TOLD YOU! You SUCK!”

And when I learn to love this part of myself and not identify with it, then the outer trigger goes away. I no longer need to take what the other person is saying personally because I am not longer identified with the inner voice that agrees with them. And this is one of the great gifts of those who don’t disagree with us or hate us. They are actually showing us how to love ourselves and themselves even more. Judgmental people judge you. Righteous people are righteous towards you. Guilty people try to guilt you. And it’s their inner judge, righteousness and guilt that tries to latch on to you.

And then your inner judge, righteousness and guilty party responds.  But when we can let that go, we no longer identify with those voices and love ourselves anyway, we let ourselves off the hook. And then instead of being mad or defensive we see the other person caught in the prison of their own judgment, righteousness or guilt and now we can be even more loving towards them and show compassion rather than triggered defensiveness.

And whether they admit it or not, our defenselessness will send an energetic signal to them and our presence (rather than our words) will communicate. And in that way we bring more love to the haters and ourselves!

Can you do this today?

As always, the action happens in the comments below. Leave a comment and join the conversation! The TDL Community thrives in the comments and it’s a GREAT place to get support!

Love,

Mastin

  • http://www.romanceneverdies.com/ Grace Pamer

    Spot on Mastin. More often than not you have to walk away and realize they are the one’s with the problem and not to be troubled by people with so much hate in their souls. It’s sometimes easier said than done because if you’re sensitive like me you can end up dwelling on something they’ve said until the stronger part of you takes over and says “as if they’re even thinking about this so don’t waste energy on them…Just smother them in love as that will wind them up even more”.  Effectively take a leaf out of all non confrontational peace movements over the years…Imagine how much it riled the English to be confronted with a peaceable soul like Ghandi. Show them love despite themselves and maybe they’ll one day stop and question why they are always so negative and spiteful (maybe).

    Love
    Grace

    • Prabhjot

      Thanks for your post Grace. I resonated with it. I hear you. I am a high school teacher, and it gets tough sometimes hearing the students be so negative (I teach special education). Sometimes they project their frustrations, complaints on me, and it takes some broad shoulders to be able to take it. Difficult sometimes, because I am sensitive as well.  So glad I read Mastin’s post! Needed it today! 

      • http://www.romanceneverdies.com/ Grace Pamer

         Thanks Prabhjot, Wow I bet that can be tough at times. It’s not always easy to block out certain words and confrontations but you just have to turn the other cheek sometimes and get on or else us sensitive souls would never get anywhere! Big love, Grace

  • http://simplystaciablogs.wordpress.com/ Stacia

    Spot on is right!  Resonated with this post today and am sooo glad I took the time to read before I started my day.  Thank you!!

  • Dom

    Mastin I most definitely LOVE what you say, particularly what you just said today! For those of us who’ve never habitually ‘hated’ it can be quite weird when your confronted by the ‘irrationality’ of it. I’ve had it on a blog I recently started and with people working out there ego rather than their bodies at the gymn! But wow that’s all ok because for the first time ever you’ve made me see how we can really learn from this the lesson of a deeper love. Thank you and God bless.

  • Ali

    This is so true – great post Mastin. Thanks for your daily dose of wisdom! 

    Ali
    x

  • Micah Mann

    “Kill them with kindness” as my mother has always said. “Be the bigger man” my dad told me. Basic advice. But Oh So True!

  • http://twitter.com/mamastenj Mamaste

    Mastin, this is so true. Thank you for reminding me of this. I loved Super Soul Sunday with you on the panel. It reminds me that we all have a gift. Sometimes it takes a minute to see it. Much love Mastin. xoxo ~Mamaste

  • Ludmila_w

    Sometimes the ones that show us the least love are the ones that need it most of all…

  • Veronique

    Thank you! :)

  • d Mpshe

    Thank u very much for clearing this out,the more they hate:the more we love:-)

  • Lawthompson86

    Amazing, I’ve been having this conflict repeatedly with a friend of mine and have been trying soo hard to find a solution. Most powerful guidance in a while and I will do my upmost to take it forward! Love & Light x

  • pinkcookies

    Omg!!! I have been dealing with this the past few weeks!! I through a surprise party for my husband two weeks ago… I remembered quickly why I don’t have big get togethers. But I learned something great!!!!! My friends were the ones saying how skinny I was and how I need to eat a cheese burger.
    It hurt me bad :(. It opened my eyes to so much it’s time for me to work on myself so I can start helping others. I have this desire to help teenagers… I’m ready for changes. I’m so excited to have connected with you and the Daily love!!

  • http://twitter.com/JoyPressions Alexandra Gartner

    Amazing post, Mastin! Thank you! Being a very sensitive soul, I have become very mindful about how my inner judge attacks and responds to attack from others. Usually I go into flee and self-doubt mode and my inner judge is running the show. You present a very interesting approach to dealing with your ego and at the same time strengthening self-love. This is a great way of getting grounded back to my core values of love, kindness and compassion – I want to love and be loved! Today I am willing to see my haters differently and appreciate my power to choose love over attack!
    Love,
    Alexandra

  • http://www.facebook.com/Victoria369 Michelle Reid

    What a beautiful message ( “Please show me how to love this.”) to hear today……….and everyday. Thank you.

  • Sunshinenbloom

    Thanks Mastin. As I start my day this was great to read and a necessary step toward loving self and the realization that maybe the haters are hurting and showing love can help them as well as helping ourselves.

  • http://www.jensyscarola.blogspot.com/ Jensy

    I absolutely looooove this post. Its not about us when we are speaking our truth and our best intention is nothing but pure and loving. Hurt people HURT people. They need our love and forgiveness the most. Marianne W. was absolutely correct. Its not easy to do this but Practice pays off. Thanks for this lovely blog this am. Have a great day!!! 

  • Teri

    I love all of your work and all of the love that pours through. I felt inspired to put my feelings in that words have so much power and energy, and the word ‘haters’ is included in adding a sense of separation. I’m wondering if a different word could be used so as to add an element of love for those so wounded they can’t help but speak from their hurt places. Thank you for you and your entire staff- big love xoxo

  • Jennifer

    I need to practice this, I too have that “trigger” you have. I recently stopped myself from reacting, as you have suggested before. I can’t believe the amount of energy I was giving to those people, how much it took out of me. I realized what I was doing. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done, not pulling that trigger.

  • Caramel_sundae_29

    This is really great!! Mastin once again you’re on point. Thank you so much for your insight :-)

  • http://www.moniquerhodes.com/ Monique

    Mastin,
    I agree with what you say today except for one addition. If someone says something that triggers us, about ourselves, sometimes there is also a truth in it. And sometimes that too can cause the uncomfortable trigger. So before I do anything in a situation like this the first thing I do is reflect deeply on the question, “is there any truth in this”. Our fear of not being good enough can easily trigger us into anything the ego can come up with to make ourselves feel better. However if we can boldly stand in front of what the person has said and honestly evaluate if there is any truth in it or if there is anything we can learn about ourselves from it then this can be the bravest lesson of all. Because if someone tells us we are not good enough in a particular area this is how they see us. And if we can put the emotion aside and actually hear what they are saying we may find they are asking us to be bigger than we are right now. And despite that being confronting to our ego and a bit scary for us it can also become a motivator for us to grow. 
    In your line of work I see everyone telling you how amazing you are. That is lovely for the ego but it will not bring you growth. The odd person who speaks differently than the adoring mass may just hold the key to your growth. They may be your precious jewel. 
    with love
    Monique Rhodes

  • Andrea D

    Hi Mastin and thank you for the insightful article. Before reading it I had a visit from an ex that wants to continue to blame me for the decisions he made that broke us up. I have been doing the spiritual work I need to do to forgive but his remarks always send me back to the place of unforgivenes and activates the old debate in my mind after he has left. So crazy. Anyway ur blog helped me to remember that I can choose peace and love which along with true forgiveness are the only way to heal the pain. Thank u for that reminder. `Andrea

  • Andrea (Motivatah.com)

    You are so very right on this one. When someone says something that triggers your anger, what is really happening is you are feeling attacked because of your own feelings of inadequacy. I used to feel so angry when someone put me down, thinking it was them who made me angry. What I now realize is that it is my own internal baggage that I carry which feeds my anger. I am still in the process of working through this, but the fact that I recognize the cause of my reaction is the beginning of taking myself back, leaving the ” attacker” powerless over me.

  • Juanitajay6463

    Thank you for dose of wisdom today. I am young to start applying it today. J. Johnson

  • Zen Warrior

     Wow. This is a big realization for me: that on some level I agree with the percieved inadequacy of the critical person…and it’s true. Which made me think…I better hurry up and be perfect so my inner fraud will have no ammunition.

    So then I just prayed to God to take away that utterly crazy thought/character defect/perfectionism.

    I am good enough as I am.

    When I feel “defensive” all I have to do is remember to slow it down, break it down and remember it’s not real.

  • Cynthiaambriz

    Thank you for this. I had been contemplating this very way of being and needed some guidance. You articulated it in such a way that I could understand on a heart level. Thank you for presence, your own work and sharing it just the way only you ever could.

  • Ynine

    I  hear you , I have asked the question how to DO that love your enemy and what i get is they are mirror of me some how that realy not fun than i walk with that for a while than it come to me what do you whant and the answer love your self , ok i need to learn how to love my self  than here we go ,every day I AM LOVING MY SELF ,while loving others especily my families and my wonterful animals,and plants love and light thanks for being you ,you have show us all how to be , keep on shining brother

  • Elizabeth

    My biggest “hater” and trigger is my ex-husband. We have three children, therefor communication is necessary. He is one of my greatest teachers and Spiritual Trainors. Changing my expectations and beliefs in this relationship and seeing what “is” and letting go of what I thought I wanted allowed for healing and taught me compassion. He simply does not know better and is continuing to repeat a pattern of looking for his self worth outside of himself. He is a sheep and I am a sheppard. I believe there are alot of sheep (haters) on the planet. Yesterday I was grateful that I am grateful. I am awake, aware and on a beautiful Spiritual path.. and I am no longer a sheep. God Bless, Elizabeth

  • Judy

    Amen.

  • Heather

    Beautiful!!

  • Sam_tautua

    Mastin, you are guided by some amazing spirit guides & you make them proud.  I love your work! I’ve only discovered you through Oprah’s work or mention of you through her work & love your connection to God & the way you share.  Abundance of ‘love & success energy’ too you!

  • http://www.are-you-there-kathleen-its-me-god.blogspot.com/ Kathleen Reynolds Chelquist

    So true. So true. I have put a halo around my low level of separateness and judgement of other people. Take last night for example…my father stayed outside of the house for the entire day, until it was time to eat. He did not participate in our Thanksgiving circle prior to dinner and said to me afterwards, “Do you have a prayer for the atheists in the room?” He did not have an ounce of gratitude. I pretended to not buy into his fears. And, I did. I noticed this at the end of the night, when I did not want to hug him good-bye. I did not choose love. I had no compassion for myself or him. I sit with it today. Instead of forgiving myself-I have been creating anger, guilt, and victimhood. I know better. Just keeping it REAL. The Daily Commenter, Kathleen are-you-there-kathleen-its-me-god.blogspot.com/ 

  • Euseltapickering

    Thank you for your comments on haters today.
    When I allow myself to remain open, I often learn
    from the hater. What I am trying to do or doing rather
    is to remain defendless and accept the lesson.
    This I promise requires lots of practise and remaining
    in the moment.

  • bradleybernie

    I can’t imagine why anyone would hate on you, but great post. It triggers our own ego and inner critic. We cannot live our lives according to what other people think! All that matters is that we love ourselves!

  • Kathleen

    “If you learn to love the ugly things in your life, your life becomes more beautiful.” Kathleen Frati

  • Tee

    Mastin, this post has given me INSIGHT. Not only to myself but I can now see what bothers other people is what they believe to be true of themselves! It’s hard to believe sometimes, I honestly believe that subconsciously we project our insecurities when we are feeling insecure – it’s almost like an open invitation for someone to criticize – I think X of myself and I look to others to validate that. Kind ppl don’t generally pick that out, or if someone genuinely loves you, ppl just project their own judgements and criticisms of themselves onto you, unless it is a constructive criticism (I hate that by the way – but some ppl love that). It can all be so much. Love yourself first, and do your best to have good ppl surround you. That’s what I say :-)

    • Sherry

      Hey Tee and Mastin,

      I love what you said Tee… LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. I have had trouble with that for as long as I remember! I always did not like me, thought I wasn’t good enough, etc. It just occurred to me now that maybe it was because of an incident that happened to me in childhood. Basically, being chosen above other kids for a show I was not supposed to be on and the other kids talking (or as I perceived then) badly about me and perhaps not liking me. I always put others above me and, as I grew up, saw others around me loving themselves and I wanted to know HOW to LoVE Me…?! I was guided to read this blog Mastin after I had been on your Daily Love Extravaganza and saw your appearance on Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday. I am now sort of knowing the way round. I am sure I will get there. 

      Keep UP the good work Mastin and thanks Tee.

      SherryX

  • http://twitter.com/patriceceleste Patrice Celeste

    Yes, this asks you to ask yourself the question, “where do yo resonate?” or what is it in this person or situation that is causing me, or making me feel xyz.

  • Lynda

    Great blog about the gift from “haters” Mastin! Love is more powerful than hate.
    When I read haters’ comments to any blog or youtube video, it feels similar to witnessing emotional or physical abuse. It is sickening and I feel powerless to stop it.

    I pray for God’s power of love to crowd out the darkness. Sometimes, I apologize to God on behalf of myself and all humanity that we ever chose hate over love.

    “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

  • http://www.facebook.com/beloved.binh Beloved Binh

    That is brilliant! 

  • Gilda

    Spot on regarding the haters…instead of a “kiss my a#$” attitude it is more like Kiss MY Tiara!  So right about finding tons of more love in a more difficult situation.  Love your blog and I’ve only been on it for a week.  Peace and blessings to you! XO

  • TELLUSELLE

    Awesome that you can recognize and reconcile that inner part of you that resonates with the “attacker”. I too practise compassion with people I feel have offended me but I struggle with people’s reluctness to acknowledge their contribution to some of my painful experiences. I can understand, feel compassion for and forgive what people do, but it doesn’t excuse or take away the consequences I am paying for others’ decisions. I wish to see more responsibility and real dialogue between people on both professional and personal levels. Direct present communication. Aloha, /Alexandra

  • Stan Smith

    I just heard you on Oprah’s Soul Sunday…I’m an older adult, I could be your father….and if you were my son, I’d say:  Nice lovely thoughts, but you dont know sh@$%.  Wait until your child is deathly ill in the middle of the night…wait until youve been unjustly treated….wait until everything  in life has let you down…until your at least 50 before you tell the world all about ‘love and truth’.  You HAVE to experience it FIRST.  The three of you on Oprah sounded like plastic robots expousing words, words, words….you are living in a hugely volite, scary, world, that has NO boundaries.  What does YOUR generation REALLY believe the future holds??  What is the spirituality that will sustain YOUR generation?  That’s what’s REAL!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/mandy.yates.79 Mandy Yates

    Wow totally got this post.  After getting into a loud dicussion the other night with my ex-sponsor and inventorying my actions, this is what I came up with too, but didnt know how to put it into words.  Thanks Mastin

  • Joyannah

    Remember The Course in Miracles reminds us that there are only 2 core emotions: Love and Fear. If receiving the behavior feels good, it comes from love. If receiving the behavior causes discomfort, it comes from fear.  So, the only thing one needs to think of is: How do I want to respond to “fear?” Remember, fear most often masquerades as anger and comes out swinging. Fear senses it’s own weakness and attempts to hide it with the bluff. Fear is a very good actor. Don’t be fooled, or frightened. Just notice what sensations are playing through your own body and choose to love yourself though that too. Please know that you are healing your own stuff in that moment. That’s the best any of us can hope for. Love & Blessings, Joy

  • http://clarkkent07.wordpress.com/ Clark Kent

    With all the energy of the being within you, has the ability to realize there is no difference to the outer experience that others can place before you.  Each level of hate is also a level of misguided misfortune that someone didn’t experience the present moment to give that love back to you.  It doesn’t make your love any less, it actually allows you to see it as it is to realize it is more!  You don’t need to make an enemy of this, actually the more you accept it and embrace it, you place love inside of it.  It happens when your mind isn’t in attack/defend mode.  This off button is more you then the other, which can take this inside and make this something that it isn’t on the outside yes your ability to love all energy.  We all experience different sides to love yet we still see it in opposites!  It flows as energy flows in your absence or without your absence it is as it is! Doubt can be words described to take you from this.  You have there before you choice; Love or Love deeply!  That is it as far as opposites both have energy and both have expanded forgiveness in them.  You just have to find that which you wish to embrace more!  Love and love more in this moment your sense of ego doesn’t need vibrations to know this moment is all you ever have; for it is not being attacked/defended within you, only outside you and those are words with no physical embracing needed!  Great post my friend! 

  • Mona Friday

    This was such an awesome post because it was exactly the conclusion I had come to on my own last week. There are some people I work with who are so full of hate and I’ve been responding with hateful thoughts toward them, which made me so crazy because that’s not who I am. I realized they were projecting how they felt inside and that I shouldn’t come back at them with anger; instead I should show them the love I possess inside. This idea freed me from the heaviness of hate and opened me up to more love. I felt like I had taken control back, like I was no longer trapped in a workplace filled with haters. I realized that I needed to be the peace in that place.

  • Tamara

    People hate on themselves then that hate comes out on others.  When we know this to be true it can lessen the hurt we feel when we understand that the hatred is about them and not about us.  The part that we own is our reaction and response to it and what we believe to be true in what they say. Those places are our opportunity for growth and change .  Someone who truly loves and values their self treats others in the same way.  So when that person communicates with you, it is in a gentle, kind way even though what they say may not be easy to hear. 

    For me it has been so helpful to separate what belongs to me and what belongs to someone else.  When someone is hateful toward me, it doesn’t feel good, but knowing they are hateful toward themselves gives me compassion for them and helps me not take it personally.  I try to stay true to my self and treat someone acting in this way with compassion but I might not always be able to stand strong in the moment.  It might take some time for me to get calm and regain my compassion.  And when I do, I am always better for it! 

    When we take that step back and observe-whether in the moment or in the aftermath-there is so much potential to understand ourselves, others and the world more fully.  So, thank you haters for giving me the opportunity to evolve…I hope you find more compassion for your selves! 

    Love and blessings to you all! 

  • Li

    I’m dealing with forgiving a deceitful cheating ex-boyfriend whom I had a serious relationship with.
     
    I can forgive the past, the whole experience…. and letting go how it could be any different.
    I can find many things for myself to be grateful for in this experience and the life lesson it brought for me, I can make peace with moving on to greater abundance my life will bring.

    But forgiving HIM and showing HIM love and compassion, its something I can’t do with much honesty and sincerity. Yet.

    This article came in at the right time… as I’m dealing with the situation where the cheating ex is playing the role of  a ‘guilty person trying to guilt me’.

    I don’t identify myself with his voice and his current actions make me appreciate myself even more,that’s for sure.
    But I still feel the urge to ‘correct’ his misconceptions. 
    I could possibly let go this go and ignore the need to defend myself but to compassionate & showing him love…. I don’t know how.

    Is this truly an essential step for me to move on with my life?

    • CC

      Li,
      I can so relate to how you are feeling.  I was married to man who lied and cheated on me probably during most of our long marriage. I never had any real proof (until the end) and because he was a liar, he would never admit he was cheating when I would ask him.  During the separation/divorce period I was filled with so much hurt and ANGER.  The anger put so much stress on my body that I was having heart palpitations.  I knew this was not healthy for me and eventually I found it in my heart to forgive and eventually we became friends.  We still kept ties with family members and it seemed like the right thing to do.  I understand  the ‘guilty person trying to guilt me’ ploy that people like our ex’s do to try and spin their wrong doings.  I call them “head spinners” and “players”.  Please be thankful that you were not married to this man.  Remember to live your life to the fullest, as he will move on to his next victim.  My ex just got engaged but just a short while ago, he texted me and wanted to know if I was still in love with him.  In his sick mind, he wanted to know if there was still a chance for us to reunite (before he proposed).  I never responded.  In essence, he was cheating on his girlfriend of 6 years by even asking me that and some of the other texts he has sent me in the past.  I know now it probably wasn’t a good idea to be friends with people of this nature.  With regards to your question, YES, it is essential for your well being, to rid yourself of negative feelings about yourself, forgive him, FORGET HIM, and move on…  and remember a leopard never changes its spots!

  • http://twitter.com/seano4fitness Sean O’Meara

    I was catching up with this today and that shift of perspective is powerful. When you come from a place of calm, quiet confidence and allow each situation (or person) to simply present a lesson, things become a little less prickly with those that lash out. Great post, Mastin!

  • Carola

    Thank you so very much for this advice, Mastin! Family gathering over the weekend brought one of those powerful triggers and while I laid sleepless at night I prayed again and again “Please show me how to love this.” When I woke up in the morning, a teeny tiny idea popped up, which I followed. And like a miracle it brought an excuse from the kid that had broken something I had cherished a lot and showed, that my husband’s part in this, which had hurt me so much that it sent me into hating him, was really a misunderstanding. Again: thank you, Mastin, to show us, how to stay in the love!

  • La_vero_214

    Loved this!!… its crazy how the universe sends messages at the right time, I’ve been living in resentment towards a buisness partner for over 2wks because of a comment she made. She questioned my motherhood or so I took it that way at a Big Motiviational Event. She said “I dont know about you but that hit home and he’s not even my son”, see my son is Autistic and the speaker was talking about his son who is also Autistic and all the improvements he has been able to do because of his time and money. I was so pissed and hurt by her remark. So much so that I couldn’t even stand the sight of her. Reading this daily love blog I realized my inner self was agreeing with her, and her remark proved my doubts. Now that I reversed my thoughts, I can see it was her doubts that were clinging on mine. She also has a son who is in constant need of her and she is not there for him as much as she would like. Believe it or not I feel so relieved and I can move on and better myself. Thx Mastin for your words!!

  • Heather

    LOVE IT!!!:)