When Perfect Is Not So Perfect!

February 5, 2013 by Elise Museles 29 Comments

If you consider yourself A Control Freak, Type A, Classic Overachiever, or Total Perfectionist, then this post is for you.

I’ll admit it. I picked this very topic of perfectionism to write about because it hits close to home. Let me explain. For years, I searched for the “perfect” diet, relying on books to dictate what and how to eat. I am also a classic overachiever in that I dot every “i” and cross every “t” (and then some). And, when it came time to put together this post, I procrastinated. Could I sit down to write on such an important topic? How could I talk about it like an expert? Do I really know enough? (Hello, I live it every single day.)

Perfectionism isn’t usually a tamed beast. People who have perfectionist tendencies tend to be that way in other areas of their lives as well. Diet. Exercise. Appearance. Parenting. Work. Plans. And the list goes on…

On the one hand, it can drive us toward excellence with lofty goals that are certainly impressive. On the other, it can prevent us from achieving, feeling, trusting our instincts and being realistic. But most importantly, it can be a chronic level of stress that can wreak havoc on our overall health and well-being.

Here are some of the negative consequences that result from perfectionism:

We procrastinate because we are waiting for all the stars to align before we begin something new and exciting.
We are less efficient with our time as we analyze and agonize over all the details.
We have unrealistic standards that are impossible to achieve.
We can make things unpleasant for those around us with our overly rigid behavior.
We are too worried about doing things the “right” way, so we miss out on the enjoyment or pleasure in our experiences.
We are releasing cortisol due to the continual self-imposed stress.

What if
You subscribe to the philosophy that “good enough is good enough” during times where those ten extra steps of effort really don’t add any additional value? (Did I really have to read this blog post for the 27th time to check for typos?)

What if
You abandon your overly dogmatic approach and try not to get so caught up with rules or labels. Vegan? Raw? Paleo? High carb? Low Carb? Imagine being liberated from thinking about following the perfect diet, which is most likely some other expert’s plan, anyway. Of course, setting up a foundation with healthy habits that includes eating whole, real foods is essential. But, instead of obsessing or beating yourself up about breaking the rules and restrictions, you learn to listen to the signals your body sends you…all day, every day.

What if
You relinquish control (just once in a while) and become a passenger instead of always a driver? The upside is that you may learn to complete a task, make a recipe, plan a vacation (fill in the blank) someone else’s way, not just your way. And you could end up with extra time to use productively in some other manner. How liberating!

What if
You stop the inner dialogue of “should” and “must” and just felt your way through. I know, the rational side would not approve, but try tuning into your messages and not dictating them because you have a preconceived notion on how you “should” feel or “must” think.

What if
You ban the all or nothing mentality. You know that destructive thought process that leads you not to try something unless you are certain that you can give it 110% (or do it perfectly). Remember your plans to start a business, write a book, tackle a big project, or run a 10k race? Don’t wait for the perfect moment.

What if
You accept your body right now. You stop waiting for it to look like it did when you were 18. No hate. No judgment. Just pure gratitude and thankfulness for the life it gives you with each breath, creative thought and enduring emotion.

What if
You embrace the deviations. You enjoy the slow yoga class you take on the day when your body says no to the 10-mile run you had planned for your upcoming half marathon training. You learn to become flexible instead of insisting on following the prescribed “plan”.

Just thinking about the unrealistic expectations is enough to elevate your pulse and raise your blood pressure. While us perfectionists have spent years or our entire lives trying to be perfect (and exhausting ourselves in the process), we are living with that chronic low level of stress which releases the hormone cortisol that can impact everything from weight to sleep patterns to disease prevention.

It’s time to let go…or at least start thinking about it. And personally, I think that sounds like the perfect plan!

Question of the day: how does your perfectionism show up in your life? Join the conversation and share your comments below!

With love & a little imperfection,

Elise

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Elise Museles believes you should relish your kale… and your chocolate, too. As an attorney-turned-nourishment-expert, recovering perfectionist and founder of Kale & Chocolate, she helps busy women balance their bustling lives with real foods, simple strategies, and sustainable health habits. Through her outrageously nourishing programs and weekly blog posts, Elise teaches women how to fuel body and soul so they look, feel and live better than ever.

Join Elise on Facebook or follow her on Twitter.

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Sandy

I am a recovering perfectionist! Perfectionism used to show up in ALL areas of my life. I loved this post. Although I still strive to do my best I am trying the route of “good enough.” Thanks for sharing
- http://www.kaleandchocolate.com/ Elise Museles
  
  Sandy,
  Another recovering perfectionist:) I can understand how it used to show up in ALL areas of your life…it is definitely not a tamed beast. Sounds like you have found the balance between impossible standards and reasonable (but still high) expectations.
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

I, too, am a perfectionist. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt like I “had” to be perfect in order for people to like me, love me, and/or approve.

The “What If” above about diet really hit home for me right now. I’ve been struggling with being the “perfect vegan” for a few months now. I was 100% vegan for about 2 years, very strict about it, and really into it. I loved it. Then I started to feel the need for a change. I started to feel that being vegan wasn’t so much a happy choice, as a heavy burden. But by now everyone knew me as “the vegan.” So how could I change that perception? What would they think if I ate an egg (gasp) or had a non-vegan dessert (sigh), or even a small piece of chicken at dinner (horror or horrors)? Honestly I still struggle with this as I write about it. I still believe animals deserve NOT to be treated inhumanely (as they are in MOST dairy and meat farms). I don’t want to be a part of that. Being vegan fits who I am and who I want to be. So why the struggle? Why does it feel like a burden? A burden to be perfect in that too?

Lately I’ve been more lax in my veganism. I’ve been eating vegan about 80 or 90% of the time, but have given myself some freedom to not “have” to be 100%…aka perfect. This has helped. I still worry a little how others will think, but then I remind myself, So what? All we can do is what we feel good about doing. Others will think or not think what they want, we have no control over that, regardless of what we do or don’t do.

Gosh, I could write a book on this topic too! So I better stop now.
Thanks for the post! It defintely hit home with me!

Sarah
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/02/serve-in-order-to-receive.html
- http://www.kaleandchocolate.com/ Elise Museles
  
  Sarah,
  Thanks so much for sharing. Your response DEFINITELY hit home for me. My personal struggles have been mostly around food and setting up all sorts of rules that I needed to follow EXACTLY. And then, if I ever strayed from that rigid plan, I would feel so guilty. I hear you.Could you try abandoning the labels (i.e.vegan) and tune into what your body is telling you it needs..that may feel more authentic and less of a burden. You can still embrace a lifestyle that is in keeping with your core values while listening to your body.
  
  Hope this helps!
http://www.zenka.org/ Jenny

Great post! Perfectionism runs in my family and it can be debilitating! I wonder what the root cause is? I guess it is pride? Fear? Competitiveness? Excess Energy? Excitement? Tenacity? It is important to tame the beast because as you say, it can get in the way. Thanks for this great post.
- elisemuseles
  
  Jenny,
  You hit the nail on the head with your comment, “it can get in the way.” The trick is to find that balance so that it is not debilitating. Thanks for sharing!
Respect the Rays

This is so spot on! You have covered every “crazy” that has lived in my brain and tries to remain there. I love the what ifs, as a way to first bring awareness and then also providing a SOLUTION to all of these crazies! Thank you for speaking from your experience and being so honest. Everyone needs to know that so many of us think like this….and DON’T have to! It’s a much bigger, grander and freeing way to live….when taking steps toward the solution, toward embracing oneself. ACTION! ”Good enough IS good enough!”
- http://www.kaleandchocolate.com/ Elise
  
  Thanks so much for sharing! Yes, those “crazies” and the mean inner critic are a problem for so many of us. I love your comment about “embracing oneself”…that place of acceptance is really the key towards letting go and believing that “Good enough IS god enough”.
Meredith

Thank you, Elise, for offering up a fresh outlook! You have made me
pause, reconsider, and start my day off with fresh energy and good
cheer. Maybe perfection can be found in the balance- the kale and the
chocolate!
- elisemuseles
  
  Meredith, awesome that you were able to pause and start your day off right. How empowering!
Amandahale27

Perfectly said:-) I am one of those, and oh how hard it is to let go, even just pry one little finger off my tight grip around so much in my life. Thank you for reminding me of the freedom that can come when we are willing to loosen our grip; we can do our best, LET GO of attachment to the outcome, and find gratitude for things just the way they are.
- elisemuseles
  
  Amanda,
  Letting go is the trickiest part. Like you suggested, one little finger at a time to loosen that tight grip and attachment to the outcome. Thanks for your insights!
Christine

Wow Elise. What an amazing article. I’m constantly struggling with this “untamed beast”. It is a breath of fresh air to find someone that gets it. Who can speak to it from their own experiences and come up with another way of looking at things. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more of your truth and wisdom. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
- elisemuseles
  
  Hi Christine! So glad that this post resonated with you. There are so many of us who come face to face with that untamed beast! Just acknowledging it is the first step in learning to tame it.
Bevierose

I have never been a perfectionist, nor do I seek the responsibility of being one. I do know that all we can do is the best we can without self-castigation. When expectations are so high, we are bound to fail. Let’s all try to be kind to ourselves and leave the worry and disappointments in life behind. Elise is an inspiration to all of us and should be praised.
Beverly
- Elise
  
  Beverly,
  You are spot on with your message about being gentle and kind with ourselves Having super high and unattainable standards definitely sets us up for disappointment. Thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Emily

Elise-

So proud to be your imperfect friend! You inspire, teach, coach, cheerlead and pull me forward with your wisdom and insight. You’re right, its time we all dropped the perfectionism and embraced the awesomeness of being right where we are supposed to be- I am grateful to be here. Because indeed, as Marc David has taught us, “around the corner from perfectionism is self abuse.” I for one am done with approaching myself with anything other than self love, curiosity, forgiveness and awes. Thanks for turning on that light switch. – E
- http://www.kaleandchocolate.com/ Elise Museles
  
  Emily, I am grateful for you, your wisdom and your constant support. And to me, you are pretty perfect!
Emily

Thank you, Elise, for sharing the importance of accepting your body
“right now,” for letting go of socially constructed labels, and for
reminding all of us to “listen to the signals your body sends you…all
day, every day”. Perfectionism certainly shows up in many forms in all
areas of one’s life; being true to one’s body and mind are perfect
initial steps toward release and personal growth. Thanks again for
publishing such insightful advice!
- http://www.kaleandchocolate.com/ Elise Museles
  
  Emily,
  I am so glad that this post resonated with you . And, yes, tuning in and listening to your body are the “perfect” ways to start releasing and begin accepting!
Alicia Sokol

This is a terrific post, Elise! Yes, “better” is typically the enemy of “good.” Sometimes good should be good ENOUGH. I am learning to let go a little in certain areas of my life. Children have helped hasten that a bit since they demand that we learn to go with the flow a little and deal with unpredictability (and a lack of control!).

I can really identify with trying to ban the all or nothing mentality. It can be tough to find a middle spot between “right” and “wrong” or “good” and “bad” without feeling like a failure when things aren’t going as we believe they should be. This is a daily exercise. I’m getting better at it but it’ll continue to be a conscious struggle for a bit.

Thanks for a thoughtful piece!
Alicia
- http://www.kaleandchocolate.com/ Elise Museles
  
  Thanks, Alicia, for your thoughtful comments. Yes, getting comfortable with the grey, learning to let go & realizing that you cannot control the outcome all the time are key pieces of the puzzle in creating more ease. It is definitely a process!
Rchutkan

Elise, as a gastroenterologist I give people advice about food all the time, but it’s sometimes a struggle to avoid “food rules” in my own life that focus more on nutritionism than nourishment. Your post was a great reminder that the best laid plans often go awry and flexibility and imperfection are actually really useful traits. Thanks for sharing!
TooFlawed

My immediate response is that all this identification of issues is useless without valid, concrete actions to fix or change things. “just felt your way through” Really? What does that mean? All I want to say to most of your What ifs is “NO! That is not okay.” Good is not good enough if it’s done poorly or incompletely. Like a 20-something who should know how to clean a bathroom but leaves large areas untouched by a sponge because no one can see it. “But he made an effort” Sorry, not acceptable. Doing a half-ass job is not ok if it means I have to do it over again. THAT is stressful to me.

Give me some real solutions or tools to learn to not to care.
- Stella Orange
  
  Hi TF,
  
  I just wanted to say that I hear you. My sweetheart (a 36-something) cleans the house for me, and often it’s not the way I’d do it.
  
  After complaining and feeling like I was pounding my head against a brick wall (I love men, but are their eyeballs hooked up differently than women’s?! Don’t they *see* the mold growing in the shower? The hairballs under the dresser?)… I made a radical decision.
  
  I let go of being The Enforcer.
  
  I focus on feeling like everything he does for me is a gift. And receive it like that. Because I’ve got a man who cleans my house! That’s amazing!
  
  Sometimes, I’ll ask him to vacuum the bedroom again when it isn’t done completely. Sometimes, I’ll bleach the toilet bowl after he’s cleaned. Sometimes, I’ll ask him to unload the dishwasher before I start cooking.
  
  The main thing is, I now see our relationship as the most important thing, and my standards as second fiddle. Which has changed the way I talk with him, too.
  
  Maybe this person is your housekeeper. Or maybe he’s your kid. That could be a place to start, too — if you pay him and he’s not doing a good job, let him go. If you’re raising him and he’s not doing a good job, that’s a chance for you to give him feedback.
  
  Or, a checklist for next time.
  
  I don’t know how to raise kids, but I do know that we all mess up sometimes, and the people I listen to the most are the people who treat me like I’ve got the best intentions, but I’m still learning.
  
  I hope that helps a bit — and good luck as you work on finding ways to communicate that work better for you.
Livnau

As a “recovering perfectionist and control freak” I can so relate to what your journey has been like. I’m still battling the part of waiting for the “perfect time” to get some projects of mine going. In the spirit of your post I think I’ll start one of them this weekend! Thank you for sharing this post Elise.
- http://www.kaleandchocolate.com/ Elise Museles
  
  So happy to hear that you are finding the perfect time to get one of your projects started this weekend!
India

Every “what if” hit a nerve for me. Eyes filled with tears of this truth within and the realization that it no longer serves me and frankly never did. I have let go of so much in the past few years, which then leads to thinking about those things that were once impossible as totally freakin’ doable. So I say YES to these teachings. Bring it Sista….WE are listening.
Don

I am a perfectionist..this Blog helped me to review my current situations.

I observed
that I have many of the attributes above.
My House must be clean and neat to the point I make others feel uncomfortable,
I am so goaled focused that I do not enjoy the journey, I procrastinate on
tasks which I do not have all the details or the “stars don’t line up” feeling, I create a lot of stress on myself expecting every task to be carried out to perfection.
This Blog is so me.
Now, I am
working on, No hate. No judgment. Just pure gratitude and thankfulness for the
life it gives you with each breath, creative thought and enduring emotion.

Thank You for taking the type to create this BLOG.