Looking back on my life, I realized I had made the compromise of making others right and myself wrong – I realized that it was really the key way I “survived.” It became the default survival tool that kept me from perhaps spiraling into deeper despair.
But it’s really just another form of dissociation in the struggle to maintain sanity. And it’s actually a brilliant defense and survival mechanism tool that traumatized children often use for the resilience to survive traumas. But as that child becomes an adult, the coping mechanisms start finding different forms of expression and eventually they will become unmanageable and unsustainable.
My inner child locked down as a toddler and put up massive walls. And a new happy version Ryf was created to move through life. I became the squeaky clean, hero child, who was popular and charismatic and always happy.
As my sexuality started expressing itself, it became the second “deadly sin” that needed to be hidden and denied at all cost, and this created the perfect storm, the Big Mac combo that haunted my soul.
So at a very young age I bought into the perspective of family, my family’s religion, my friends and society, so that I could get the acceptance and the love I needed. I compromised who I was and what I was and ultimately it became completely unsustainable.
For most of my life I was totally willing to make myself wrong and find a reason for my unworthiness so that I could be right for everyone else and fit into their perspective to get my needs met.
I need to be vigilant moving forward to realize that I am perfect in the eyes of The Uni-verse and that if people have issues with me and where I am at, that has zero bearing on my course or outcome. Other people’s projections or perspectives have nothing to do with me as long as I am in alignment with self and The Uni-verse.
Unfortunately personal growth is often marketed and packaged with guilt and manipulation. The ultimate roadmap home should be yourself. And if you are at peace with yourself and at peace with The Uni-verse, then nothing else matters. What “saves” me is not determined by what others think. If I am at peace with myself and with The Uni-verse, then I don’t need others to tell me what they think in order to “save” me.
I need to be aware in instructional situations or group meetings that there is a lot of crap being projected and be on guard not to take on the default perspective of group mentality. I need to be solid enough in my truth to stand up and speak out and not compromise.
And I do not make myself wrong about my past story. The story is what makes me unique. I don’t want my story to come from a place of shame, but rather from a place of sharing. My purpose comes about as a result of my story and it is unique to me and how I connect to purpose and to the world.
To stop sharing because I feel wrong or unworthy is counter to living a self-approved life. And sharing is the fuel that drives my vehicle of service and purpose.
The point is it’s going to happen that people have fear and get scared, but it doesn’t matter. The journey home is to be me!
And it’s not about demonizing anyone, or any group or institution. It’s about just taking what works and leaving the rest. It’s about just taking what’s true for you.
I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for 12-step programs. I wouldn’t have a connection to The Uni-verse if it wasn’t for 12-step. I wouldn’t have uncovered the events of my incest if it wasn’t for my talented therapist holding space for my healing.
But if me leaving their perspective and their dogma freaks them out, so be it. I need to understand that this is how they get their certainty.
I need to have compassion for them and acceptance for myself as my healing journey evolves and I enter different phases of my journey.
So is there somewhere in your life where you are using dissociation or compromise to maintain your status quo?
Could you risk exploring the perspective of family, your family’s religion, your friends and society to ensure you have not compromised your truth in order to be accepted and loved by them?
Could you accept that your story is unique and it is how you connect to purpose and service?
Much Love & Welcome Home,
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Ryf Van Rij is a coach and creator of “The Daily Way Home.” He has also been an Actor, a Commercial Pilot, a Business Co-Owner and an Events Coordinator at a Major City Art Gallery.