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Why We Date At The Level Of Our Self-Esteem!

by Mastin Kipp on February 5, 2012

We date at the level of our self-esteem. Your relationship is a direct reflection of your own self-love and self-worth.

A lot of TDL Seekers have written in saying that they are in a relationship (dating, marriage, etc.) with someone who they really are into, but they are not getting their needs met. They keep asking me how they have to change to keep the relationship going.

Pause.

Let me be clear – the only way we should have to change is to be more authentically ourselves. This means compromise, of course, but this also means not abandoning ourselves to please another.

The common question seems to be: “How can I change myself so this will work”, and the response is “Don’t change yourself – BE YOURSELF”.

Many Seekers are terrified of being alone and of the unknown. And I understand, it can be hella uncomfortable in there. But if your needs aren’t being met in a relationship, it’s not the other persons fault. The responsibility is on you to communicate your needs and to choose someone who honors you, cherishes you and loves you.

If you don’t love, honor and cherish yourself, you will settle and your needs won’t get met.

To be a Seeker we must get comfortable with the unknown and with letting go of toxic relationships. We must step into the Faith that we can create the life we truly desire, not as we change to please others, but as we step more into our own authentic selves. This means communicating our needs, having higher standards around the people we are dating and stepping into our own self-love and self-care.

Of course in any relationship we have to compromise and find a middle ground. This is part of being in relationship. But this blog is aimed at the thousands of folks who have written in asking how they can change to please other people. Please yourself first and then you will attract someone who is pleased with you.

This means embracing the unknown and being okay with letting go of something or someone that isn’t meeting your needs.

Ask yourself this question: “If I REALLY loved myself, what would I do?”

Let me know: WhatImGoingThru@TheDailyLove.com

Lots of love and self-love,

Mastin

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Mastin Kipp is the CEO and Founder of The Daily Love. Follow him on Twitter here.

Take what resonates with you in this blog and leave the rest.

I’m so excited to share with you that I’m doing my very first Online Class called Love Uni-versity! It starts on February 13th  – check it out by clicking here!

  • Liz Marino

    This is so true!  For me, I get caught up in censoring my needs because some people might see them as selfish.  Of course they’re selfish!  They’re my NEEDS!  Not wishes, not preferences.  My needs are about me, not you, or anyone else.  I’m a very giving person most of the time, sometimes to the point of giving myself away to please or balance my partner.  I’m learning.  Slowly.  Thanks, Mastin.  You rock.

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  • Anonymous

    This is spot on. I was in a relationship where my needs weren’t getting met. I tried to change the other person and myself when I should have gotten out. 

  • Monika

    I have changed so much I don’t even recognize the woman looking back at me in the mirror anymore. The relationship has ended, now I’m trying to move on and find myself again. I have learned so much from this, now if I can just not make the same mistakes again.

  • Jen

    This is SO timely. My last relationship ended 3 months ago and I saw the ex for the first time at a party recently. I was polite and answered him when he asked how I was then avoided him for the rest of the night. He didn’t go out of his way to talk to me mind you! But the next day he sent me a couple of messages via Facebook saying that he wished we could have talked, that he misses me and realises he lost his loving girlfriend. He’s the one who ended it by the way! And he could have approached me at the party but was too scared to or whatever.

    My needs weren’t being met in the relationship and I knew deep down that they weren’t going to be but was too scared to end it because I thought he would change. I made lots of excuses for him. I’ve learned a lot from that relationship and am moving onwards and upwards.

    I haven’t replied to his messages and don’t plan to and just don’t feel anything romantically towards him anymore.

  • Bruce

    Thank You!

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  • Eventsspecialistlm

    Right on time! I so needed to hear this and especially today! Its so true. I am currently in a situation where none of my needs are being met and as much as he tells me he loves and cares for me; I’m starting to realize that I am only a toy of his that he takes off the shelf when he is in the mood to play with me. Moving on!

  • http://danceoflifephotography.com/ Dorothy

    I am getting lots of clarity (and instinctive links to brave new blogs) on mental health,  not as a continual self-help project, but in accepting myself here and now.  Thanks for your post!

  • Gina-sing

    Physical or emotional needs….what shoild be more portant….the good boy..ecomically stabe thay cannot please u physically or the financially needy guy that can rock physically…please advise!