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You Are NOT Your Thoughts!

Kathleen ChelquistIs this really what doing the spiritual work looks like? My husband, Kirk, sat there paralyzed on the opposing couch, as I turned into a version of myself: unrecognizable. I haven’t screamed this hard since an ex-boyfriend lied to me about taking ecstasy. My throat kills from the pain. I have no voice left. My wrist sprained – from slamming it down so hard on the arm of the sofa.

Kirk’s eyes wide open.

In 11 years of being together, he has never met her.  My inner critic. My “Crazy Mama.”

Man, what am I talking about…neither had I.

She was angry. REALLY angry. Judgmental. Intolerant. Guilty. Scared. Veins bursting. It felt like my eyes were popping out of my head (Kirk said they were), as I ranted MY thoughts…

OUT LOUD: “Get it together Kathleen. It’s only a F*ing day. There are people who take care of the elderly ALL DAY LONG. There are parents who are the arms and legs for their quadriplegic child. What do you have to complain about? Drama Queen! You act as if you are in prison. So what if your kid said, ‘Mama, mama, MAMA…all day long?’”

In your very near future, he will be off with his friends; and you will long for him to tug at your shirt…just one more time.

“STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!”

Silence. I looked up from my “Crazy Mama” trance and looked at Kirk. Margarita in hand. Tavi Dog on his lap. Both staring at me like I was a lunatic in a horror movie. Embarrassed? Sort of.

Thank the Uni-verse our five-year-old was sleeping, and I was taking responsibility. Grateful that I did NOT spew my venom towards Kirk. I am sure he was relieved, too.

Grateful to know…I am NOT my thoughts.

For the first time in my 42 years of life – my mind had a voice. A VERY loud and clear voice. I screamed loud enough for my neighbors to hear. At myself. Much like I had done for years: in silence.

Tears rolled down my cheeks with gratitude and relief. Vulnerable. Humbled. No more suppression. It was timely to embrace my “Crazy Mama.” Timely to take out my trash; and expose MY ugly mind chatter of lies: my dark side, my shadow, my EGO. I was willing to go there. To look crazy. To expose the very thing I was “trying” to ignore. This is what keeps me from creating Oneness. This is what prevents me from joy, peace and happiness.

Pretending everything is ok will not work. For anyone.

“Don’t push down your feelings. Breathe and let them out. It’s like taking out the trash. You wouldn’t sift through the trash to see what’s inside. It’s trash!! Dump it or recycle it into something useful!! Either way, get it out of the house!” -Cinnamon Lofton

Recovery.

As I calmed my mind, the fog lifted. I was willing to hear the whispers of my heart…

Are You HERE Kathleen? It’s Me, The Uni-verse.

NO MORE, Kathleen. No more put downs. No more excuses. I gave you the opportunity to hear yourself. For Kirk to hear your illusion of what is true. Love is perfect. Even your “so-called” imperfections are a “perfect” manifestation of LOVE. Let go!

As my husband and I slipped into the hot tub, our tense muscles relaxed. Jets pounded away at our flesh.  I looked up at the dark sky twinkling with light. Twinkling with hope. Kirk embraces me. Sees me. A Dada who loves me anyway.

As we touched, I knew…a new day had come.

No more.

I wrote this “diary-like” entry almost eight months ago. I have chosen to put my “Crazy Mama” to rest; in my dead past, where she belongs. I am also choosing LOVE much more often.

Do you think YOU are your thoughts? What thoughts are YOU suppressing from creating oneness and peace? They are not who you REALLY are. You are LOVE. Relax. Breathe. Take out your trash!

Love,

Kathleen

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Kathleen Chelquist is an inspirational blogger. Engage with Kathleen on her Blog, like her Facebook Page, and her Facebook Fan Page and follow her on Twitter.

 

  • http://19andalmostconfident.blogspot.com/ Eve

    Oh man, this made me crack up and reminded me so much of myself.

    I haven’t reached the point where I’m screaming my inner thoughts out loud, but I have reached the point (this week was the breaking point, actually) where I know I cannot push away the girl inside me with that same anger, fear, and hurt. “This is what keeps me from creating Oneness. This is what prevents me from joy, peace and happiness.” Yes. This.

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      “Yes. This.” Love that Eve. Thanks for commenting. I have been she who implodes more often than explodes; when I gave my thoughts a voice, I clearly could see how I was NOT my thoughts. It was so freeing. I did not do it on purpose, but I did. For I knew, I needed to get my trash out… “to be the change I wish to see in this world.” Keeping it in, only keeps me on the hamster wheel. Good for you EVE…let’s do this thing together, shall we?

  • tedge

    Crazy Mama I can really relate to this I just recently had a ego breakdown. THANKS!!!

  • asolheim

    I used to bottle up my emotions in a very unhealthy way. Now I’ve learned to handle them better; but screaming still sounds very tempting sometimes. ;) Sometimes, you just need to let it out. Thanks for the inspiration. I’m going to have quite a fee tests coming up relating to thoughts about myself, and what others(near and dear ones) think of me. May I just remember Love. <3

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      …because LOVE is WHO you really are! Don’t forget!!! Thank you for your comment! Sending lots of love to you and those, “TESTS.” Kathleen

  • Tiffany Hendra

    Thanks for your transparency Kathleen! I’ve faced and unleashed my nasty, ego driven, cray cray many times. (my poor hubby) Facing the beast..dissipates the beast and turns her into a whimpering little lamb. Keeping her locked away and suppressed only makes her more fierce! Loooove the trash quote by Cinnamon. One of the best quotes I’ve read in a long time.. thanks again! You Rock!

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      Thanks Tiffany! “Loooove” your writing. I bet you have a story (or two). Big Love to you on your journey!

  • Denise

    I’m crazy Mama more often than I’d like to admit AND I know I’m not being who I really am. Thank you for your honesty and reminding us of the difference of who we REALLY are vs. the temporary place of not being who we are….

  • Jess Herring

    One my favorites !!!

  • Zazz Daniel

    Powerful, beautiful honesty, Kathleen. Self leadership (permission to feel and express) helps other lead themselves, too, through the ever changing morass of our striving consciousness. Great example of inner articulation:)

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      WOW ZAZZ! Loved that! Thanks!

  • Tana Arnold Szabo

    Love your honesty Kathleen!!! Keep up the good work!! XoXo

  • mellymutton

    Thank you Kathleen, I certainly needed to hear this from an outside source. All too often I get trapped in my head, worrying about this, that and all the other potential issues that could arrise…

    My nasty inner critic constantly eating away at me, telling me how I could have done that better, or how my actions or words have been misunderstood.

    Its exhausting when you get trapped in your head, and your thoughts consume you and convince you that they define who and what you are.
    You are not your thoughts, this is something I need to remind myself.

    Thank you for bringing this into my awareness.
    much love & peace
    ~m

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      That inner critic can be “nasty,” huh? Creating those inner invisible bruises. ALL TRASH! You are Love, and don’t you forget it. Big Love, Kathleen

  • yesi.p

    Awesome one of my favorites! By the way you are awesome..thank you, for opening your crazy tthoughts..or I should I say my own thoughts..mirror mirror!! Love you Lady!

  • Monica Haughey

    One of my favorites too Kath! I experience my “self abusing” thoughts often. (i recognize it as my “not enoughness”) This is when I have to remind myself that I am doing the best that I can, with the tools that I have, one day at a time. We are all entitled to a breakdown now and again. After all, breakdowns often lead to
    breakthroughs. I find that allowing myself to feel the feelings and taking notice of my inner voice often leads me to acceptance and self love. Only when I am quiet enough to hear the other inner voice that is often just a little more quiet than the rest. That voice is saying, “Bless my Heart”. Then , and only then, my perspective can change and I can just chalk it up to “old habits die hard”. So scream, let it out, Take out that trash! xo

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      “Breakdowns often lead to breakthroughs.” Love that Monica! I definitely broke through after this “Crazy Mama” moment, and peeled just one more layer of my EGO ONION! Thanks for commenting. XO

  • http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

    Hey, Kathleen!! LOVE to see you as a “full” blogger on TDL! I know you’ve been reaching for that for a while now. :) I hadn’t gotten on TDL in a few days and just saw your post. Awesome! Love how openly you share and how honest you are. Very refreshing! I know I can relate to having that “crazy side.” And I, too, and working on letting it go and living in Love and in Peace. But when I read your story of screaming so loud and pounding the couch… I saw myself. And like you, no one has REALLY seen this side of me. Not in her entirety. I know it’s not pretty, so I keep it to myself. Sometimes I think we all need to let stuff out and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. As long as we just LET IT OUT, and not dump it all over someone else, blaming them in the process, or expecting them to make us all better.

    Anyway, I look forward to more posts from you on here. :)

    Sarah
    http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/05/is-your-personality-real-you.html

    • Kathleen Chelquist

      Thanks Sarah! Yes, I have been taking out my trash here and there. I do it the most often in my Living Love Class where I allow myself to fully expose my mind. The more I have allowed myself to go there…the less I need to. It is like old garbage of not being enough. It is quite liberating and helps me see my ego through the eyes of compassion. The more I observe it from my soul’s perspective, the less power it actually has. I always love hearing from you Sarah and appreciate you, too! Keep writing! XO K