Is this really what doing the spiritual work looks like? My husband, Kirk, sat there paralyzed on the opposing couch, as I turned into a version of myself: unrecognizable. I haven’t screamed this hard since an ex-boyfriend lied to me about taking ecstasy. My throat kills from the pain. I have no voice left. My wrist sprained – from slamming it down so hard on the arm of the sofa.
Kirk’s eyes wide open.
In 11 years of being together, he has never met her. My inner critic. My “Crazy Mama.”
Man, what am I talking about…neither had I.
She was angry. REALLY angry. Judgmental. Intolerant. Guilty. Scared. Veins bursting. It felt like my eyes were popping out of my head (Kirk said they were), as I ranted MY thoughts…
OUT LOUD: “Get it together Kathleen. It’s only a F*ing day. There are people who take care of the elderly ALL DAY LONG. There are parents who are the arms and legs for their quadriplegic child. What do you have to complain about? Drama Queen! You act as if you are in prison. So what if your kid said, ‘Mama, mama, MAMA…all day long?’”
In your very near future, he will be off with his friends; and you will long for him to tug at your shirt…just one more time.
“STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!”
Silence. I looked up from my “Crazy Mama” trance and looked at Kirk. Margarita in hand. Tavi Dog on his lap. Both staring at me like I was a lunatic in a horror movie. Embarrassed? Sort of.
Thank the Uni-verse our five-year-old was sleeping, and I was taking responsibility. Grateful that I did NOT spew my venom towards Kirk. I am sure he was relieved, too.
Grateful to know…I am NOT my thoughts.
For the first time in my 42 years of life – my mind had a voice. A VERY loud and clear voice. I screamed loud enough for my neighbors to hear. At myself. Much like I had done for years: in silence.
Tears rolled down my cheeks with gratitude and relief. Vulnerable. Humbled. No more suppression. It was timely to embrace my “Crazy Mama.” Timely to take out my trash; and expose MY ugly mind chatter of lies: my dark side, my shadow, my EGO. I was willing to go there. To look crazy. To expose the very thing I was “trying” to ignore. This is what keeps me from creating Oneness. This is what prevents me from joy, peace and happiness.
Pretending everything is ok will not work. For anyone.
“Don’t push down your feelings. Breathe and let them out. It’s like taking out the trash. You wouldn’t sift through the trash to see what’s inside. It’s trash!! Dump it or recycle it into something useful!! Either way, get it out of the house!” -Cinnamon Lofton
As I calmed my mind, the fog lifted. I was willing to hear the whispers of my heart…
Are You HERE Kathleen? It’s Me, The Uni-verse.
NO MORE, Kathleen. No more put downs. No more excuses. I gave you the opportunity to hear yourself. For Kirk to hear your illusion of what is true. Love is perfect. Even your “so-called” imperfections are a “perfect” manifestation of LOVE. Let go!
As my husband and I slipped into the hot tub, our tense muscles relaxed. Jets pounded away at our flesh. I looked up at the dark sky twinkling with light. Twinkling with hope. Kirk embraces me. Sees me. A Dada who loves me anyway.
As we touched, I knew…a new day had come.
I wrote this “diary-like” entry almost eight months ago. I have chosen to put my “Crazy Mama” to rest; in my dead past, where she belongs. I am also choosing LOVE much more often.
Do you think YOU are your thoughts? What thoughts are YOU suppressing from creating oneness and peace? They are not who you REALLY are. You are LOVE. Relax. Breathe. Take out your trash!