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You Do NOT Have To Prove Yourself To ANYONE!

Jenna Phillips headshotAs a soul sister to many, I often find myself being called upon for a variety of supporting reasons. Today, I got a phone call from a fellow goddess and she was in absolute disarray. She was, well, a hot mess.

Her boyfriend was calling it quits and he was on his way out of her life. She managed to utter the following words in between her quivering sobs: “I don’t want to let him go… I can’t believe he’s leaving! He’s my whole life, and I had the rest of my life planned around being with him. I’ve done everything I can to be the best girlfriend I can be!”

My heart went out to her because I’ve been in her exact situation – more than a couple times – so I recognized that she was lacking something VITAL. And that was her own identity and self-worth. She had let go of her own persona to match up with his so she could spend more time with him and create common interests.

When we do this, we lose sight of ourselves and the innate value of being a unique individual. Goodbye, Self-Worth. Hello, Identity Crisis.

She went on to say, “I have this deep pain in my heart. It’s physical. It’s intense. It’s unbearable!”

After letting her SPILL her guts on the phone, I asked her if it was okay for me to comment, because sometimes us girls just wanna let it all out to anyone who is willing to. just. listen. She was open to receiving my intentionally unbiased feedback (I’m not one to sugar coat).

I said, “Of course it hurts. And you get to feel everything that comes up for you. There’s no right or wrong way to emote. The reason why it hurts as badly as it does, is because you ALMOST literally attached your physical being to his. You were so attached that it feels like your heart is being PULLED from your chest as he walks away. You get to let him go so he can have the opportunity to miss you. You’ve spent so much time chasing him and not allowing him to exert ANY effort. He has never had to!”

She acknowledged, “I told him I wanted to get married and he said he wasn’t ready – even though he loves me very much…”

I had a moment of déjà vu. I’ve felt, said or heard those words before. A Facebook status update had been circling in my head all day, prior to our call, and the divine opportunity to share it was in that exact moment.

No matter how amazing you are, you will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready. And that has NOTHING to do with you. 

It eased her pain for a moment and she got to sit with the fact that she IS amazing, perfect, dedicated, loving, beautiful, and a GODDESS. I spent time with her on this because I used to go after UNAVAILABLE men ALL. THE. TIME. I did it because I had something to prove to myself and everyone else around me. I figured that getting the unattainable man meant this: “I AM AN INCREDIBLE WOMAN!”

After multiple failed relationships, I finally figured out the common denominator: ME. And that’s not to say that there is anything wrong with any of us who do, or have done, this – but my motives, priorities, and end results were ALL backwards.

It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I went after guys who were in no way ready to be committed to me, but I locked ‘em down for at least a short while (up to a year or so) and, in doing this, I’d lose some of my own identity. I felt good about myself in the short-term but always felt horrible in the end. And so continued the self beat up and the cycle to the next relationship.

I finally had a HUGE wake-up call, and realized THIS:

When you know your worth, you won’t settle for anything that isn’t in alignment with your heart’s innermost desires. Standing FIRM for what you believe in will allow what you’ve always wanted to flow to you. (Tweet-worthy!) KNOWING that you are irreplaceable, invaluable, unparalleled, and a COMPLETE package on your OWN will illuminate your brightest light and NO ONE worthwhile can resist a bright, shining and magnetic GODDESS (or MAN).

This AHA! moment set me free and I began a brand new relationship with myself. I became committed to loving all that I AM. What are you letting go of today that is no longer serving you? I wanna hear all about it in the comments section below. I love hearing from my readers!

Love all that is you,

Jenna xox

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Jenna Phillips is a Total Wellness Philosopher, Certified Holistic Lifestyle Coach, AFAA Certified Personal Trainer & the founder of her lifestyle brand I’m On A Mission. Follow her on Twitter and visit I’m On A Mission and be inspired.

  • J.Won

    It is indeed an awesome writing that I NEED to read in a right moment!!! Thank you, Ms. Jenna. You are preaching today!

    • The Daily Love

      J.Won, thank you for reading! We’re happy to know that you enjoyed the message!!
      -Team TDL

    • Jenna Phillips

      I love that you loved it! Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. You’re awesome! xo :)

  • Sharon

    I’m older now but watched friends go through this in my younger days and its so nice that there is this kind of empowerment for young women being put out there. Of course time teaches you this, if your lucky, but why wait and go through heartbreak time after time. This stuff is great and warms my heart.

    • The Daily Love

      Thank you for reading and commenting, Sharon!! We’re so glad that you enjoyed the post!!
      -Team TDL

    • Jenna Phillips

      Thank you, Sharon, for sharing your thoughts with me! I appreciate your contribution. Sending you lots of love and gratitude! xo

  • jill

    Great article. Been fighting to prove my worth, effort, dedication commitment to healing with various family members and health professionals, to no avail. I always say “allow versus force” and often find it hard to do. :) Its exhausting! Ahhhh…breathe…we ARE enough. Thanks.

    • The Daily Love

      Yes, you certainly are enough, Jill!!! Thank you for reading and sharing!
      -Team TDL

    • Jenna Phillips

      You are MORE than enough! You are INCREDIBLE! Keep shining your light and BE love. That doesn’t take a lot of extra energy, but it definitely inspires others to be the same way. <3 Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! xo

  • max

    I’ve been in many situations where i felt i needee to prove myself to people .. especially in relationships good or bad . In past relationships i thought i wasnt worthy of having a pure one , which usually meant being treated like your partner considered you were his or her world . Never had that . but those relationships didnt work out simply because i choice to hold on to that idea . My perception was allowing me to think , please dont go ill work on me if you stay . Perhaps it was a need to feel whole . Im currently in a good relationship, one that is serving us both , yet i find myself trying to prove that i am capable of love , why is that ?

    • http://www.facebook.com/niloocoaching Niloo @ Personal Growth and Re

      Hi Max! You asked why you still find yourself trying to prove that you are capable of love, even though you’re in a relationship that supports you. The answer boils down to how you feel about *yourself*! So if YOU don’t believe on some level that you are good, lovable, etc…you will work really hard to try to prove to others that you are those things…even though they already know!! The person you’re trying to prove this to is yourself. So instead, try to bring self-compassion and love to yourself every time you find yourself believing something that is untrue about you and stop yourself and affirm yourself when you find yourself trying to “get” from other people. :) Hope that was helpful!

      • The Daily Love

        Thank you, Niloo, for providing some feedback for Max! Very helpful!
        -Team TDL

      • Jenna Phillips

        Yes! You nailed it! xo

  • Maritza

    I’m trying very hard to let go of my sons situation……he loves his girlfriend and his 7 yr. old daughter, they live with my husband and I, the girlfriend doesn’t like house work, doesn’t spend time with her daughter, she rather watch tv instead of playing with her. Her values are different from my son. He’s not happy at all but it’s been happening for 9 yrs. he feels he needs to stay with her because they have a daughter. Meanwhile I’m exposed to this, it’s very hard to look the other way. I walk as much as time allowes me, then go to work, I’m very greatful that I have a life.

    • The Daily Love

      That must be a difficult situation, Maritza. However it’s wonderful that you are able to see the blessing in all of this, that you do have your own life to keep you busy!! Thank you for sharing and wishing you the best in your situation!
      -Team TDL

    • Jenna Phillips

      That’s a tough one. The best you can do is be a guiding example for your son and his girlfriend. You can’t make either of them do anything. Keep being a loving light for everyone in that household! Sounds like you’re the glue that’s keeping it all together!

  • Janet

    Love this topic! The men in my life loved me, but were able to easily walk away. I decided I didn’t want that anymore. I wanted to be adored! I know it’s audacious, but sometimes extreme paradigm shifts produce life changing results. It did with me! Cheers!

    http://theobserversvoice.com/2014/01/13/ask-to-be-adored/

    • guest

      You stated what I want too; “to be adored”. I take it you are being adored now, which gives me hope knowing that I will be too some day!

      • Jenna Phillips

        Decide that it’s already on its way to you! xo

    • The Daily Love

      Heck yeah, Janet!! Why be with someone who doesn’t WANT to be with you? Such a great new outlook to have!! Thank you for sharing!!
      -Team TDL

    • Jenna Phillips

      YES! That’s awesome! We all get to be adored, cherished, and unconditionally LOVED. When we DECIDE what we don’t want so we’re CLEAR about what we DO want – The Uni-verse happily provides. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment! xo

      • OhioCoastie

        Unicorns and rainbows!

      • Sgt POG

        One time I went in the military because I was handicapped by always being loved and adored and cherished despite being a total jerk wad screw up. They really kicked my butt, knocked me down a few pegs, and turned my life around. Now I am no longer the center of the universe, in fact I really don’t care much about myself beyond my commitments to God Country Family and Corps. I am selfless, like a Zen Buddhist, unharmed by anyone or anything, Not Of This World, enlightened, a spiritual warrior. Suffering is good for the body and soul!

  • slw69

    This hits home for sure. I have been chasing someone who has pushed me away many times…..only to reel me back in at times. I know what I want and what I deserve …I am still friends with this person but not sure if I should give it some time for awhile. I do know this I have given my identity up in every relationship and when you lose someone you feel you have lost everything because of it. 2014 needs to change for me …time to be happy with me and create my own life so that I always have me if someone chooses to walk away.

    • The Daily Love

      YES, slw69!! Make 2014 YOUR TIME FOR YOU!! Thanks so much for reading and we’re so happy that you found it helpful!!
      -Team TDL

    • Jenna Phillips

      Yes! YOU GET TO BE HAPPY! 2014 is full of limitless possibilities and everything you experience this year will be a choice. So choose what feels best and honor your heart’s desires. You are worthy of it all!

  • Andy M.

    So important to live one’s own aspirations. I am so much more attractive to others when I’m attractive to myself. I do have to remind myself that the approval I seek is from me. All others is icing on the cake. Thanks Jenna for reminding me/us. Andy

    • The Daily Love

      Thanks for reading, Andy! It’s so true that the approval we seek is entirely our own! Glad that you enjoyed!!!
      -Team TDL

    • Jenna Phillips

      Absolutely my pleasure! I’m so happy you already “get it” and that my blog was of service as a reminder. We ALL need them! Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. xo

  • Sivitri

    This was a very synchronistic post to read today. As were various different things I have read that are reflections of a decision I made today. And that is that I am not settling for half loves anymore. I know myself. What I deserve and what i give. I know what it feels like to be sucked dry and I have allowed this many times before with men who did not honor me. At the same time I am so grateful to have witnessed myself in this cycle of not honoring myself and returning for more with bad, peter pan, emotionally immature boys. I am now choosing something different because I can see myself clearly. I am ready to receive and allow a MAN into my life who fully sees and loves my depth and wisdom and isn’t scared or flighty.

    • Jenna Phillips

      YES! I love that declaration! And now The Uni-verse is beginning to deliver that man to you – simply because you’re ready. I’m so excited for you and the life you’re about to experience!! :)

  • Gaby T

    This circulated through my mini-feed at the perfect time. You and I have met before Jenna, and you told me then how my significant other was not truly in alighnment with my life’s mission. I didn’t think that that was something important until today where we had our last fight, but more importantly where I realized how much of myself I had lost. I had let myself settle for low standards, expect negative things to happen (which they always did). I let life become yelling and horrible exchanges. At what point do we say enough? That was my dilemma, why does it take forever for one to remember that they love themselves?
    In my darkest moments (as I was taught) I would ask myself, “Heart are you there? Heart are you listening?” Everytime I tear because in that moment I knew I had forgotten about my heart. I had been forgetting my heart. Reading this article reminded me of the power we too often forget about. Thank you for the reminder :) Much Love.

    • Jenna Phillips

      Hi Gaby!! That’s amazing that it came to you when you needed to read it the most! You already know in your heart what you want and deserve. You get to have it all! Trust yourself and follow your heart. It will never lead you the wrong way. xo

      • Sgt POG

        Hey uh I’ve had really serious problems when following my heart. It turns out that it’s usually just my pecker leading me around. My wife hates when I follow my heart. Kids wouldn’t approve either, I bet. So I stick to oppressive patriarchal logic from the Bible. So does my wife and it turns out to be a neat little neutral 3rd party that we can appeal to in arbitration, like a Vice Presidential vote in Congress.

  • Chona

    I’m newly single and realized I lost myself in this past relationship. I’m 31 years old and he’s five years younger than me – he was my first real boyfriend and my first real love. I thought I would eventually marry this guy, but there were some things I just couldn’t get over. I realized I was relying too much on him to make me happy, relying too much on our relationship to define me and I had lost sight of who I am. I neglected my friends and family, I stopped going to therapy, I stopped exercising, I stopped running (my passion), I stopped volunteering, etc. I made him my world and in doing that I took on his problems and his struggles as mine to fix and make better FOR HIM. Because my belief was “if I do this for you, you will love me! you will need me! you’ll never leave me!” … I didn’t realize that in trying to prevent abandonment from HIM I had actually abandoned MYSELF long before our breakup last month. I couldn’t handle his alcoholism and denial either, but it took a literal wake up call on a Monday morning for me to put both hands up and say “Whoa, hold on. Something’s not right WITH and FOR me right now. I need some space.” We broke up two weeks later and while I’m still heartbroken, each day gets better. I realize I’m not alone in these feelings and I’ve done so much soul searching. I’m taking the time to heal my heart and learn from this experience. Rather than running from the pain, I’m facing it head on with the confidence that I will love again – better, stronger, healthier. THANK YOU for your post! Keep them coming!

  • Jessica D.

    “No matter how amazing you are, you will never be good enough for a man who isn’t ready. And that has NOTHING to do with you.”

    I would like to say I learned this the hard way, not once, but twice, but obviously if I had to go through it a second time, I didn’t learn it originally. I was with two guys that I thought if I changed, if I did what they wanted, or was what they preferred, then love would follow. Wrong. I gave them everything, including breaking a very important moral code and was with them physically, just hoping that love would happen in our relationships. It didn’t. And in both situations, when I used “the big ‘L’ word,” it wasn’t long after, that I found myself single and alone once more. I was raised with the equation get a job, find a man, get married, and raise a family. I maybe knew that I was settling, not holding out for the gentleman that I was intended for, and allowing myself to be the bedmate and occasional “other half” of a relationship where he essentially wanted a mother/sugar mama. I tried making a square peg fit into a round hole.

    I thought up the idea of taking myself out on dates, while I’m in yet another season of singledom. Dinner, movies… Courting myself and setting the bar of treating myself of how I deserve. I do not consider myself a goddess- I do not feel comfortable with that terminology. I do not want to be just “his” significant other, the girlfriend, the other half… But his Lady, and treated as such.

    Sad to say I’m still trying to find that identity of who I am. I’ve been the dutiful daughter and I hope to be, eventually, the loving wife… I hope… if “he” ever comes along… But I’m scared of making the same mistake and getting too lost in his wants, needs, and desires. And I’m absolutely terrified of saying “I love you”..

  • Jessica

    Thanks so much for this post Jenna! My last relationship ended five months ago in the same raw physical pain that you described. The pain has subsided, but confidence and self-love are things I have been trying to work on before I get involved with anyone else. Can you give us some pointers about how to do this? Are there any meditations or other steps you would recommend to help us on the path towards really KNOWING how wonderful we are? Thanks in advance!

  • http://www.sarahdizney.com/ Sarah Noel

    As usual, I love this post, Jenna! I’ve been away from TDL for a while now, and when I decided to log on today, I searched for your posts first. :)

    First, I can also relate to getting attached to a guy and losing myself in relationships. That’s been my story too, and it’s comforting to know I’m not the only woman who does this! Exactly what you described, from both your friend and yourself, could have been what I wrote about myself. Haha. When relationships would inevitably end, I’d feel lost and like I had to “find” myself again.

    Second, this post also resonated with me in terms of career path. I’ve spent the past 2 1/2 years trying to make it as a writer (no other steady job!!). It hasn’t worked out like I wanted or expected. I’ve felt like a failure. I’ve felt embarrassed. I had talked up “writing” as a viable career path to everyone. So it took some time for me to accept it just wasn’t working for me, I wasn’t happy anymore, and I needed (and wanted) to make a change.

    The title of this blog grabbed me b/c I felt like I did have to prove myself. I had to prove myself as a writer. I had to prove myself to my family (especially) that I COULD, in fact, make a living as a writer. When it didn’t work out, it was a hard pill to swallow. Granted, who knows what would have happened had I stuck with it longer, worked harder, etc. But I knew it was time to make a change. I was miserable. And my savings was running OUT.

    Oddly enough, I have a new job, which I start on Monday, and I’m SUPER excited about it! I feel it’s “me” all the way. I feel like I’m back on MY right track… finally. And I’ve been learning to let go of feeling like I have to prove myself to others (and myself).

    Thanks for sharing your gift with all of us! :)

    Sarah
    http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2014/02/new-job-new-start.html

  • Geoff

    I am a guy. Take everything that happened to this poor girl and replace he with she and this is me. This is great advice.

  • Molnár András

    Holy shit. It is the most narcissistic article I have ever read.

    I think you overestimate yourself, just a little bit GODDESS. You are just a human being, quite messed up one. No wonder guys runs from you…I would too

  • LolWut

    Congratulations, Empowered White Woman. You’ve written the most vapid three sentences in the English language!

    http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2014/07/17/the-most-vapid-three-sentences-in-the-english-language/

  • Janeane Garagiola

    Thank YOU, Jenna, for writing a SUPER AWESOME article! :) And you are SOOO right, there REALLY is no right OR wrong way to EMOTE. Women all over need TO READ THIS, because they need to UNLEASH. THEIR. INNER. GODDESS. This whole ARTICLE is TWEET-WORTHY!!! #bright, shining and magnetic GODDESS!! :)
    It was so moving to hear u explain to your girlfriend that she almost LITERALLY attached her whole PHYSICAL BEING to her boyfriend. It sounds like you were quoting the BIBLE ITSELF, like when it says that 2 people when they have sex together they like become ONE FLESH, isn’t that weird? ANYHEEZY, you can count me among the MANY that you are A SOUL SISTER TO!!! I really needed to HEAR that I’m irreplaceable AND invaluable AND unparalleled AND a COMPLETE PACKAGE ON MY OWN !! :) !! #JENNArocksLIKE.A.GODDESS!!!

    • Janeane Garagiola

      JENNA, don’t listen to all these men who ARE BEING MEAN and saying things that INCLUDE big words that have to be looked up and IT TURNS OUT they mean them in a “disparage” way

      dis·par·age [dih-spar-ij] Show IPA

      verb (used with object), dis·par·aged, dis·par·ag·ing.
      1.to speak of or treat slightingly; depreciate; belittle: “Do not disparage good manners.”
      2.to bring reproach or discredit upon; lower the estimation of: “Your behavior will disparage the whole family.”
      IT IS THESE MEN MAKING MEAN, BIG-WORDY COMMENTS WHO ARE A “HOT MESS!!”

  • Frank Villasenor

    First world problems hahaha

    How narcissitic to call yourselves goddesses

    And how solipsistic as to think that people should magically conform to your preconceived roles

    How pityful that your problem is inside yourself and you are so vapid as to look at your reflection in the eyes of others in order to correct it

    • jANEANE gARAGIOLA

      I’M WRITING THIS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE OF HOW MAD I AM AT YOUR POST, “FRANK VILLASENOR,” IF THAT IS YOU’RE REAL NAME. I LOOKED UP SOLIPSISTIC ON THE INTERNET AND I THINK YOU MEAN THAT INSULTING TO JENNA. IF YOU’RE GOING TO USE WORDS LIKE THAT OR “NARCISSITIC” (sic) PLEASE AT LEAST TELL US WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN.

      • JKL

        No one cares about you, now go away and stop blighting the web with your sub-normal thought processes

      • Frank Villasenor

        Ok i called her selfabsorved selfish and shortsighted and vapid yes

  • pabarge

    Calling yourself “goddess” is blasphemy.

    • JANEANE Garagiola

      She DIDN’T CALL herself a “goddess,” she CALLED herself.a.GODDESS!!! Jenna CAN EMOTE any way SHE WAnts to, “pabarge!”
      Jenna, you are invaluable, irreplaceable, etc. etc., so don’t listen “pabarge!”

      • Janeane GARAGIOLA

        I mean “don’t listen TO “pabarge!” ;) !!!

  • manjawsareformen

    Dat man jaw, damn!!

  • FrankWunder

    You know, Jenna, maybe the men you dated got tired of constantly being crushed by your overwhelming intellect or the degree of magical thinking which you employ to avoid the fact that then men you have dated probably got tired of your bullshit.

    You’re not helping women with this nonsense, rather, you’re just making it easier for a lifetime of denial and avoidance of moral consequences.

  • Chance Boudreaux

    Methinks Jenna just might be the Goddess of narcissism, then later in life Goddess of Cat Spinsterhood.

  • Kit Ingoldby

    It sounds like your perfect partner in life would be a mirror.

    Just sit in front of it and keep repeating ‘I am a Goddess’.

    Have a nice life.

  • RicoSuaveGuapo

    I hope you don’t get paid to write this tripe.